Happy Birthday Potato Pants

Hey Potato,

it is officially your birthday so figured I would take some time to write you a bit of a blog. I know your home and I could easily talk to you, but for whatever reason, I have always felt more comfortable communicating with writing. I find it's easier for me to stay on topic and not ramble, I tend to be able to organize my thoughts better, and I hope that my feelings and intention come through.

The first thing I want to say is Happy Birthday! 

The second thing I want to say is that I am so proud of you!

Now for the rest. 

I think the greatest curse of parenthood is how quickly your children grow up. I know that fifteen years seems like a pretty long time for you, and it is, but for me, the memory of your first day of life is still so fresh it's like it happened yesterday. You were born in a crappy little trailer home, in an inflatable pool, while your sisters sat on a beat-up old couch and watched your mother give birth with the assistance of three midwives. I was there as well, and when you were born the midwives were a bit worried about your responsiveness so they had me talk to you. I reached out and rubbed your tiny back and said "time to let us know your here" and you let out a cry and started your life.

Since that day I have had the privilege of watching you grow into an amazing young woman. I have seen you confront challenges and overcome obstacles with a quiet grace I wish I had in myself. You have suffered through the ever-shifting moods of a bipolar father who revealed that they are transgendered. You have been the smile and sunshine in a home that was to often filled with darkness and fear. 

I think every parent looks back on the lives of their children and feels a sense of regret about the things they wish they had done but didn't. I think that many a father has looked back at their child and thought about all the things they could have done better. I don't know about other parents, but I know this one has often prayed to any god that might possibly be listening that my baby girl would be safe. Tonight is one of those nights I am doing all three.

This was the summer that we were supposed to do our road trip but between coronavirus and my health that wasn't in the cards for you Potato. I don't know how disappointed you are about that, but I know I feel a very deep sense of sadness over it. I feel sad that the one thing I wanted to give all of my children I wasn't able to give to you. Instead of being on a grand adventure where we see a huge part of the country, meet a lot of old friends, and give you a chance to see parts of my own childhood, we are stuck in a tiny town in the middle of Vermont.

However, what I am coming to realize is that while I might always consider Utah home, your life has been different. We came out to Vermont when you were six years old, you celebrated your birthday at an old house in Weathersfield. In that time, we have lived in four different places, one back yard and a motel. In that time you have become best friends with a girl named Kaid, and are far more Vermonter than you will ever be a Utah native. This makes me sad in a way. Not because I think it's bad for you to love Vermont and consider it your home, but because I didn't give you the home I wanted to.

I don't know if you remember much about that old beat-up trailer we lived in, but I remember a lot about it. I remember the day you were born, I remember when you said your first words, I remember when you took your first steps. I remember that when you were a baby, any time I would talk your little head would swing around looking for me. I remember teaching that when you fall down you get back up and tell yourself your okay. I remember you washing dishes with no shirt on and telling Serene to stop being suckish. I remember you giving me a stack of coins and asking me to look after your "thirty dollars". 

Sure, quite a few memories of you have been created while we have lived in Vermont. I remember your little reading area at the first house we lived in here. I remember how you hid the Harry Potter book form Jasmine so you could be the first to finish reading the series. I remember your threats to kill them all if they didn't acknowledge you as the world leader. I think the thing I remember the most fondly was you sitting on the couch with me one night while I played through a video game called Until Dawn. 

I remember Jub Jub farms on Stardew Valley. I remember you insisting on buying a furbee and having to babysit it for you a few times. I remember so many parts of your life, and I often wonder what parts of your life you remember about me?

Do you only remember the angry man? Or do you remember the tickle monster? Do you remember the fear of my outbursts, or do you remember the times you would sleep in my bed because of bad dreams? Do you remember the times I scoured the house for your beloved Blue Blankie or do you remember me yelling at you for something that wasn't important?

I hope you remember more good things than bad because I would like to think that you had more of them. I hope that as you go through the process of becoming an adult you make more good memories. I hope you avoid so many of the pitfalls the world has in store for you and instead manage to navigate the very complicated world. I hope both of us are still around in another fifteen years when you are celebrating your thirtieth birthday. 

Happy Birthday, Potato. I love you.