Happy Birthday Potato Pants

Hey Potato,

it is officially your birthday so figured I would take some time to write you a bit of a blog. I know your home and I could easily talk to you, but for whatever reason, I have always felt more comfortable communicating with writing. I find it's easier for me to stay on topic and not ramble, I tend to be able to organize my thoughts better, and I hope that my feelings and intention come through.

The first thing I want to say is Happy Birthday! 

The second thing I want to say is that I am so proud of you!

Now for the rest. 

I think the greatest curse of parenthood is how quickly your children grow up. I know that fifteen years seems like a pretty long time for you, and it is, but for me, the memory of your first day of life is still so fresh it's like it happened yesterday. You were born in a crappy little trailer home, in an inflatable pool, while your sisters sat on a beat-up old couch and watched your mother give birth with the assistance of three midwives. I was there as well, and when you were born the midwives were a bit worried about your responsiveness so they had me talk to you. I reached out and rubbed your tiny back and said "time to let us know your here" and you let out a cry and started your life.

Since that day I have had the privilege of watching you grow into an amazing young woman. I have seen you confront challenges and overcome obstacles with a quiet grace I wish I had in myself. You have suffered through the ever-shifting moods of a bipolar father who revealed that they are transgendered. You have been the smile and sunshine in a home that was to often filled with darkness and fear. 

I think every parent looks back on the lives of their children and feels a sense of regret about the things they wish they had done but didn't. I think that many a father has looked back at their child and thought about all the things they could have done better. I don't know about other parents, but I know this one has often prayed to any god that might possibly be listening that my baby girl would be safe. Tonight is one of those nights I am doing all three.

This was the summer that we were supposed to do our road trip but between coronavirus and my health that wasn't in the cards for you Potato. I don't know how disappointed you are about that, but I know I feel a very deep sense of sadness over it. I feel sad that the one thing I wanted to give all of my children I wasn't able to give to you. Instead of being on a grand adventure where we see a huge part of the country, meet a lot of old friends, and give you a chance to see parts of my own childhood, we are stuck in a tiny town in the middle of Vermont.

However, what I am coming to realize is that while I might always consider Utah home, your life has been different. We came out to Vermont when you were six years old, you celebrated your birthday at an old house in Weathersfield. In that time, we have lived in four different places, one back yard and a motel. In that time you have become best friends with a girl named Kaid, and are far more Vermonter than you will ever be a Utah native. This makes me sad in a way. Not because I think it's bad for you to love Vermont and consider it your home, but because I didn't give you the home I wanted to.

I don't know if you remember much about that old beat-up trailer we lived in, but I remember a lot about it. I remember the day you were born, I remember when you said your first words, I remember when you took your first steps. I remember that when you were a baby, any time I would talk your little head would swing around looking for me. I remember teaching that when you fall down you get back up and tell yourself your okay. I remember you washing dishes with no shirt on and telling Serene to stop being suckish. I remember you giving me a stack of coins and asking me to look after your "thirty dollars". 

Sure, quite a few memories of you have been created while we have lived in Vermont. I remember your little reading area at the first house we lived in here. I remember how you hid the Harry Potter book form Jasmine so you could be the first to finish reading the series. I remember your threats to kill them all if they didn't acknowledge you as the world leader. I think the thing I remember the most fondly was you sitting on the couch with me one night while I played through a video game called Until Dawn. 

I remember Jub Jub farms on Stardew Valley. I remember you insisting on buying a furbee and having to babysit it for you a few times. I remember so many parts of your life, and I often wonder what parts of your life you remember about me?

Do you only remember the angry man? Or do you remember the tickle monster? Do you remember the fear of my outbursts, or do you remember the times you would sleep in my bed because of bad dreams? Do you remember the times I scoured the house for your beloved Blue Blankie or do you remember me yelling at you for something that wasn't important?

I hope you remember more good things than bad because I would like to think that you had more of them. I hope that as you go through the process of becoming an adult you make more good memories. I hope you avoid so many of the pitfalls the world has in store for you and instead manage to navigate the very complicated world. I hope both of us are still around in another fifteen years when you are celebrating your thirtieth birthday. 

Happy Birthday, Potato. I love you.

You are not a Ghost...

Hello Potato, it's me, your Dad.

I know I could just walk down the hall and open your bedroom door and have a better than average chance of finding you there, but I have learned over time that I communicate much more clearly when I write. It helps me to focus my thoughts, and I don't wander all over as much as I do when I am talking. Also, I remember being a teenager and I would hide out in my room all day when I was stuck at home because while I loved my Dad and my brother, I really didn't want to deal with them. It's not that I hated them or was mad at them, it's simply I liked being in my own space, doing my own thing. In fact last time I checked it's pretty much the same thing every teenager does, and that's just part of growing up.

For a parent, the teenage years are a difficult thing. We remember who we were as teenagers, and we remember all the pitfalls we discovered, and that worries us. It worries me because the idea that my child may fall victim to any number of horrible things is a constant thought on my mind. It's not there because I don't trust you to make a good decision, it's not there because I believe all those horrible and bad things will happen to you, it's there because I am still seeing my child there, not a young woman. That fear is there because I remember your first breath of life and how weak and fragile you were. It's there because your well being and success became more important than my own ever were in a single beautiful moment that only a parent will ever really understand. However, the reason that fear is there isn't all that important. What is important is what I do with that fear. 

I could choose the route many parents take and that's an attempt to micromanage every aspect of your life and never let you make a decision on your own. However, not only is that a lot of work, from my experience it doesn't seem to raise capable adults. Most of the children who are micromanaged tend to fall apart the first moment they are no longer under the thumb of their parents. That's not what I want for you. What I want for you is for you to be able to go out into the world and make a place for yourself. I want you to be able to chase your dreams, whatever they may be, and live a better life than I did. I gave you the first 14 years free of charge, but your kind of entering a phase of life where you start to have to make your own way. This of course terrifies me, but it is what it is.

Unlike the helicopter parents, I have taken a different approach. I have placed more responsibility on you to make your own decisions and allowed you to live with the consequences, good or bad, of those choices. Overall you have made pretty good choices. You're doing pretty good in school, though I do wish you would do better, you make smart decisions about your friends, for the most part, you don't seem inclined to get into trouble, and your more or less a very pleasant person to know. 

However, I do wonder at times if I give you much space. I wonder at times if you might feel a bit like a ghost. I can understand if you do, after all I seldom talk to you, we rarely see each other, and I have been guilty of not knowing you were at Kaid's house. In my defense these were days were mommy was home and she didn't tell me about it, so it's not like you aren't supervised to some degree, it's just that your dad is kind of a serious space ranger and can forget the world exists as he chases down various dreams in his mind. 

I hope you know your not a ghost to me little britches, I hope you know that I really do care about you and that I love you. I hope you know that I do pay attention to you, I just do it from a distance, because I think it's the best thing for you. However, that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about your life, your struggles, your pain, I do. I want to be an ear for your potato, I want to be someone you come to when you're having problems, so if your ever in the mood to talk, make sure I'm paying attention and come knock on my door. I will be glad to take some time for you.

I love you

Dad.

Commitments and Promises

Hey Jade,

I have been thinking about you a lot tonight so I figured I would write to you a bit. I hope this begins a bit of a conversation between us. Mommy sent me the message you sent her and I know that you are struggling right now. I know you are confused about why I am up here and you and Jasmine are down there, even though I am at higher risk from Covid 19 than either of you. I know that your feeling like your life has been turned upside down and you want the comfort of being home and near your parents. I know it's probably hard being down there developing a new routine, having different expectations to live up to, and more. I wish I could make it all better, but I can't. I can, however, help you understand a few things.

None of us likes this situation Potato. I didn't want to send my kids to be with their grandparents for an unknown period of time. I don't like seeing how fast this virus is spreading. I don't want my wife on the front lines of the battle against this pandemic. I don't want to live every day wondering if this is the day my luck runs out. I feel powerless and afraid just like you. I want things to go back to "normal", but who knows if we will eve see normal again. I wish I could say "this is when you will be able to come home" so you would have a date that you could focus on and count on instead of the vague answer of "when this is over". Life sucks sometimes and right now all of us got an extra helping of suck and there isn't anyone on the planet that can tell us when it will stop. That's something you have to accept, it's something we all have to accept. However, that doesn't mean you can't have some answers.

First I am going to tell you why I am staying with Mommy when I am at greater risk from Covid than you or Jasmine. I hope that will help you understand things a little better, and maybe make you feel a little better. When I married your mother I made a commitment to her that I would stay by her side no matter what. I promised that I would be with her through the good and the bad. I not only promised her that, but I made that promise to myself. It was a promise we both made to each other.

Many people make those kinds of promises to each other but don't honor them. A lot of people bail out of marriage the moment it stops being easy. I'm not one of those people. Instead, I am the type of person that tries their absolute hardest to live up to the promises I made. It hasn't always been easy, but I haven't ever once really given thought to give up on Mommy and I'm not going to do that now. Right now Mommy needs me. She needs me in a way I don't think you can understand until you feel a very special kind of love that transforms you.

Yes, I am at greater risk, but at the same time, my wife needs me to be there for her because she is on the front lines of this pandemic. Right now she's one of the millions of nurses that are all standing between death and covid 19. Every day she goes to work she is reminded of the fact there is a pandemic threatening to destroy our society. Every time she sees a patient in the ER she is risking her health. She comes home exhausted on a level that I can't describe and it's my duty to take care of her right now. It's my duty to stand in the storm with her and give her the support and protection she needs to make it through this. That duty is sacred, and it's one I will lay my life down for because that is the promise I made to her.

I know it's hard to wrap your head around. The idea that I'm willing to sacrifice myself in order to take care of Mommy. I know you are scared and worried about both of us. I love you for that. However, this is my life, my choice, and my duty. I don't' want to get sick, I don't want to die, but just like I would take a bullet to save my wife, I will gladly take on a virus I can't see. If the worst happens and I do die, I will die knowing I stood by my wife through the end. That is why I am up here with Mommy. However, Mommy isn't the only one I made a promise to.

When you were born I made another promise. I made a promise to do everything I could to protect you and keep you safe. While I knew that I couldn't stop every single bad thing from happening to you, that doesn't mean I don't try. Right now there is a scary virus spreading all around the country. Each day the number of infected people increases. Mommy is on the front lines of things. She has a duty to be a nurse and that means she has to be at a hospital where there are people sick with Covid. She has to take care of patients with Covid 19, she has to take care of people who may or may not have the virus. She is a soldier in a war that we have to win. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's the truth of the situation.

Because she is on the front line of this war, she is the most likely person to get sick from Covid, and that means she can spread it to other people. While I accept the risks to my health, I can't accept the risks to your health. I know the numbers are in your favor if you do get sick. I know that you most likely will be okay if you do get sick, but the truth is children are dying from Covid, and the idea of you dying when I could have stopped it... I can't accept that outcome. I have to do what I think is best for you. I have to look out for your safety and well being. Mommy has to do the same thing.

Right now Mommy needs to know she did what protected her children. Right now she is dealing with so much stress that she needs to know her children are safe. It's not easy for her to miss you, it's not easy for her to know that you are scared. It's not easy for her to have you so far away. it isn't easy for either of us. We talk about you a lot and we miss you a lot, but both of us tell ourselves that we did the best thing for you. I can't imagine how you feel right now. I wish I could tell you that you can come home now. I wish more than anything I could hear your laughter and see your smile. However, right now the best I get is a video chat and I have to make do with that.

We all have to make sacrifices right now. We all have to learn to cope with a new normal. None of us want to, but we all have to. However, it's not all doom and gloom. There are good things about this and I think you would benefit from thinking about those things.

Believe it or not, you are helping grammy and grampy a lot. This disease has cut them off from their social networks. They are having to make a lot of changes as well. However, right now, they are happy you are there because it helps them fill the days with small amounts of joy. Without you and your sisters, they would be left to themselves, to think of how scary the world is. You are good for them in many ways Jade. I gave you the name Good Medicine one time, and that's because you are good medicine, Jade. You have a special way about you that makes other people feel better and right now grampy and grandma need that. Right now your sisters need that too. Yes, Mommy and I could use it, but we are the soldiers in this war, and we are the ones who are duty-bound to make sacrifices for the greater good.

Right now we all have to do our part and all of us have to give up a little something. I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but I know you can do it. I love you, Jade, I love you enough to make sure you are safe. I love you enough to make sure that you are in the best place possible. I made a promise to protect you, I intend to keep that promise.

love you so big,

Dad

We Have to Work with What we Got...

Potato,

When Serene was about to turn 18 I started writing her a blog. I did this because I wanted to have a way to pass on my thoughts, and wisdom. I did it because I wanted something she could look back on as she went out into the world. I did it to show her I loved her. I had planned to do it for both you and Jasmine when you both turned 18 but life has a funny way of screwing your plans up.

The world is kind of crazy right now, and while I am sure we will all make it through this fine, I don't think waiting until you are 18 to begin this blog is a good idea. I think that right now you need to know you are loved and supported. I think right now you need some words of reassurance. I think right now you are probably doing your best not to let the darkness dim your sunshine, and I hope that in some way doing this blog will help to keep you shining brighter. I wish I was starting this at a better time for better reasons, but we have the life we have and sometimes we have to work with what we got. For you, that s probably more true than most, and I wish I could change that.

Being the youngest of three sisters has to be a hard place to be sometimes. You get to see your sisters have all the things first. You are always the last to get to do anything, and sometimes by the time it's your turn for something, it doesn't happen. I know we were going on a road trip this summer, but right now I don't know if that's going to happen. Right now I don't know if anything I had planned for your life is going to happen. I don't have a lot of control over things right now, but I do have control over my own mind and I have the ability to give you at least one thing that your sisters got, and that's this blog.

I don't know what this blog will be about, I just know that right now I want to make sure I am letting you know I love you. I want you to know that you are important to me. I want you to know that even though you are the youngest, that doesn't mean you are not just as important as the other two. I know right now you have a lot going on and I wish I could make it all better. I can't, and that sucks. I don't like knowing your struggling, I don't like knowing that you have pain and I hate the fact you think of suicide, but that doesn't make those things go away. I wish I had three wishes or a magic wand that could make everything better for you, but I don't. All I have is me, and the lessons I have learned in life. They may not seem like much, but I hope in some way they are enough.

If I had to say just one thing to you, if I had to think of what I think is most important for you to know right now, It would be this. We have to work with what we got. There isn't a secret way to deal with life, there isn't a magic pill that suddenly makes us better. Life is hard at times and there is just no getting around that. I didn't want to leave you at your Grandparents. I didn't want to be sitting here writing this blog four years before I intended to. I didn't want you to feel pain, or to have struggles, but life doesn't care about what I want and it never will. Instead life tries to kick your ass. It tries to grind you down and make you beg for mercy. The thing is, that we don't have to let that happen. We can stand up and keep walking no matter how bad it gets. It's not easy, but it's the only real option we got.

I know you're getting your butt kicked right now. I wish you weren't. I know that right now you're probably scared and worried but doing everything you can to not let it show. I never realized just how brave you were until the day I realized just how stoic you were about things. You were so stoic that I had no idea of the turmoil you were in. It's not from lack of paying attention to you, it's because you always have had the best poker face out of anyone I know. I know you think of yourself as little and you don't think you are very tough, but I see something different.

What I see when I look at my youngest daughter is a strong, wonderful young woman. I see a girl who lived through her older sisters, a girl who lives daily with pain and still does the best she can. I see a young lady who cares so much about her friends that she takes on as much of their burdens as she can. I see a peaceful warrior who does everything she can to not let other people know how bad she is hurting so that those people can share their hurt with her. You are amazing. In a world where we have to work with what we got, you are doing a lot better than you think you are.

I will write more later... I love you

Dad