Hey Jade,
I have been thinking about you a lot tonight so I figured I would write to you a bit. I hope this begins a bit of a conversation between us. Mommy sent me the message you sent her and I know that you are struggling right now. I know you are confused about why I am up here and you and Jasmine are down there, even though I am at higher risk from Covid 19 than either of you. I know that your feeling like your life has been turned upside down and you want the comfort of being home and near your parents. I know it's probably hard being down there developing a new routine, having different expectations to live up to, and more. I wish I could make it all better, but I can't. I can, however, help you understand a few things.
None of us likes this situation Potato. I didn't want to send my kids to be with their grandparents for an unknown period of time. I don't like seeing how fast this virus is spreading. I don't want my wife on the front lines of the battle against this pandemic. I don't want to live every day wondering if this is the day my luck runs out. I feel powerless and afraid just like you. I want things to go back to "normal", but who knows if we will eve see normal again. I wish I could say "this is when you will be able to come home" so you would have a date that you could focus on and count on instead of the vague answer of "when this is over". Life sucks sometimes and right now all of us got an extra helping of suck and there isn't anyone on the planet that can tell us when it will stop. That's something you have to accept, it's something we all have to accept. However, that doesn't mean you can't have some answers.
First I am going to tell you why I am staying with Mommy when I am at greater risk from Covid than you or Jasmine. I hope that will help you understand things a little better, and maybe make you feel a little better. When I married your mother I made a commitment to her that I would stay by her side no matter what. I promised that I would be with her through the good and the bad. I not only promised her that, but I made that promise to myself. It was a promise we both made to each other.
Many people make those kinds of promises to each other but don't honor them. A lot of people bail out of marriage the moment it stops being easy. I'm not one of those people. Instead, I am the type of person that tries their absolute hardest to live up to the promises I made. It hasn't always been easy, but I haven't ever once really given thought to give up on Mommy and I'm not going to do that now. Right now Mommy needs me. She needs me in a way I don't think you can understand until you feel a very special kind of love that transforms you.
Yes, I am at greater risk, but at the same time, my wife needs me to be there for her because she is on the front lines of this pandemic. Right now she's one of the millions of nurses that are all standing between death and covid 19. Every day she goes to work she is reminded of the fact there is a pandemic threatening to destroy our society. Every time she sees a patient in the ER she is risking her health. She comes home exhausted on a level that I can't describe and it's my duty to take care of her right now. It's my duty to stand in the storm with her and give her the support and protection she needs to make it through this. That duty is sacred, and it's one I will lay my life down for because that is the promise I made to her.
I know it's hard to wrap your head around. The idea that I'm willing to sacrifice myself in order to take care of Mommy. I know you are scared and worried about both of us. I love you for that. However, this is my life, my choice, and my duty. I don't' want to get sick, I don't want to die, but just like I would take a bullet to save my wife, I will gladly take on a virus I can't see. If the worst happens and I do die, I will die knowing I stood by my wife through the end. That is why I am up here with Mommy. However, Mommy isn't the only one I made a promise to.
When you were born I made another promise. I made a promise to do everything I could to protect you and keep you safe. While I knew that I couldn't stop every single bad thing from happening to you, that doesn't mean I don't try. Right now there is a scary virus spreading all around the country. Each day the number of infected people increases. Mommy is on the front lines of things. She has a duty to be a nurse and that means she has to be at a hospital where there are people sick with Covid. She has to take care of patients with Covid 19, she has to take care of people who may or may not have the virus. She is a soldier in a war that we have to win. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's the truth of the situation.
Because she is on the front line of this war, she is the most likely person to get sick from Covid, and that means she can spread it to other people. While I accept the risks to my health, I can't accept the risks to your health. I know the numbers are in your favor if you do get sick. I know that you most likely will be okay if you do get sick, but the truth is children are dying from Covid, and the idea of you dying when I could have stopped it... I can't accept that outcome. I have to do what I think is best for you. I have to look out for your safety and well being. Mommy has to do the same thing.
Right now Mommy needs to know she did what protected her children. Right now she is dealing with so much stress that she needs to know her children are safe. It's not easy for her to miss you, it's not easy for her to know that you are scared. It's not easy for her to have you so far away. it isn't easy for either of us. We talk about you a lot and we miss you a lot, but both of us tell ourselves that we did the best thing for you. I can't imagine how you feel right now. I wish I could tell you that you can come home now. I wish more than anything I could hear your laughter and see your smile. However, right now the best I get is a video chat and I have to make do with that.
We all have to make sacrifices right now. We all have to learn to cope with a new normal. None of us want to, but we all have to. However, it's not all doom and gloom. There are good things about this and I think you would benefit from thinking about those things.
Believe it or not, you are helping grammy and grampy a lot. This disease has cut them off from their social networks. They are having to make a lot of changes as well. However, right now, they are happy you are there because it helps them fill the days with small amounts of joy. Without you and your sisters, they would be left to themselves, to think of how scary the world is. You are good for them in many ways Jade. I gave you the name Good Medicine one time, and that's because you are good medicine, Jade. You have a special way about you that makes other people feel better and right now grampy and grandma need that. Right now your sisters need that too. Yes, Mommy and I could use it, but we are the soldiers in this war, and we are the ones who are duty-bound to make sacrifices for the greater good.
Right now we all have to do our part and all of us have to give up a little something. I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but I know you can do it. I love you, Jade, I love you enough to make sure you are safe. I love you enough to make sure that you are in the best place possible. I made a promise to protect you, I intend to keep that promise.
love you so big,
Dad
