Potato,
When Serene was about to turn 18 I started writing her a blog. I did this because I wanted to have a way to pass on my thoughts, and wisdom. I did it because I wanted something she could look back on as she went out into the world. I did it to show her I loved her. I had planned to do it for both you and Jasmine when you both turned 18 but life has a funny way of screwing your plans up.
The world is kind of crazy right now, and while I am sure we will all make it through this fine, I don't think waiting until you are 18 to begin this blog is a good idea. I think that right now you need to know you are loved and supported. I think right now you need some words of reassurance. I think right now you are probably doing your best not to let the darkness dim your sunshine, and I hope that in some way doing this blog will help to keep you shining brighter. I wish I was starting this at a better time for better reasons, but we have the life we have and sometimes we have to work with what we got. For you, that s probably more true than most, and I wish I could change that.
Being the youngest of three sisters has to be a hard place to be sometimes. You get to see your sisters have all the things first. You are always the last to get to do anything, and sometimes by the time it's your turn for something, it doesn't happen. I know we were going on a road trip this summer, but right now I don't know if that's going to happen. Right now I don't know if anything I had planned for your life is going to happen. I don't have a lot of control over things right now, but I do have control over my own mind and I have the ability to give you at least one thing that your sisters got, and that's this blog.
I don't know what this blog will be about, I just know that right now I want to make sure I am letting you know I love you. I want you to know that you are important to me. I want you to know that even though you are the youngest, that doesn't mean you are not just as important as the other two. I know right now you have a lot going on and I wish I could make it all better. I can't, and that sucks. I don't like knowing your struggling, I don't like knowing that you have pain and I hate the fact you think of suicide, but that doesn't make those things go away. I wish I had three wishes or a magic wand that could make everything better for you, but I don't. All I have is me, and the lessons I have learned in life. They may not seem like much, but I hope in some way they are enough.
If I had to say just one thing to you, if I had to think of what I think is most important for you to know right now, It would be this. We have to work with what we got. There isn't a secret way to deal with life, there isn't a magic pill that suddenly makes us better. Life is hard at times and there is just no getting around that. I didn't want to leave you at your Grandparents. I didn't want to be sitting here writing this blog four years before I intended to. I didn't want you to feel pain, or to have struggles, but life doesn't care about what I want and it never will. Instead life tries to kick your ass. It tries to grind you down and make you beg for mercy. The thing is, that we don't have to let that happen. We can stand up and keep walking no matter how bad it gets. It's not easy, but it's the only real option we got.
I know you're getting your butt kicked right now. I wish you weren't. I know that right now you're probably scared and worried but doing everything you can to not let it show. I never realized just how brave you were until the day I realized just how stoic you were about things. You were so stoic that I had no idea of the turmoil you were in. It's not from lack of paying attention to you, it's because you always have had the best poker face out of anyone I know. I know you think of yourself as little and you don't think you are very tough, but I see something different.
What I see when I look at my youngest daughter is a strong, wonderful young woman. I see a girl who lived through her older sisters, a girl who lives daily with pain and still does the best she can. I see a young lady who cares so much about her friends that she takes on as much of their burdens as she can. I see a peaceful warrior who does everything she can to not let other people know how bad she is hurting so that those people can share their hurt with her. You are amazing. In a world where we have to work with what we got, you are doing a lot better than you think you are.
I will write more later... I love you
Dad
